Cracking the Republican Code

It’s time to come clean. People like Chris Matthews and critics of this blog are on to us, so there’s no point trying to disguise our true intentions. I’m ‘fessing up.

We Republicans have been talking in code.

Here is your guide to our nefarious secret code, which some bloggers have apparently figured out already.

Coded statement: "Well, [insert first name of question-asker here]…"
Real meaning: I completely dismiss you and everyone of your race, you subhumans

"14-year-olds should be able to earn money cleaning their schools for an hour or two"
I want six-year-olds to be forced to work for 16 hours per day, 365 days per year in coal mines without safety equipment or standards, for pennies a day.

"welfare", "food stamps", "felons"
All black people are lazy criminals

"It is better for people to have the opportunity to get jobs rather than be handed food stamps."
I need slaves for my plantation.

"Obama"
All black people

"I'm less than completely satisfied with President Obama."
I hate him because he's black. I also believe he's a commie Muslim Kenyan.

"free enterprise"
A return to race-based slavery

"Tenth Amendment"
A return to race-based slavery

"property rights"
I want to own black people and women.

"Second Amendment"
I want to be able to shoot at my will anyone who isn’t a healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age group, but especially black people.

"Constitutional"
Only what property-owning, healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian men of a certain age group want.

"voter fraud"
When anyone votes who isn't a healthy, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age.

"Obamacare"
I want everyone to die who isn't a heathy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age… painfully, after going bankrupt.

"Social Security is unsustainable without some changes."
I really, really want old people to be poor, starving, miserable, sick, and then die early.

"values”
Hating everyone who isn't a virgin-or-married, healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age group.

"morality"
Hating everyone who isn't a virgin-or-married, healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age group.

"American exceptionalism"
There is nothing good in the world that hasn't been provided by a healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age group.

"restoring American greatness"
Stealing from, torturing, and killing everyone who isn't a healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age group.

"I love this country!"
I only love healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian men of a certain age group, and I want everyone else to die… painfully.

"God Bless America!"
I'm a dominionist Christianist theocrat who wants all people who aren't healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian men of a certain age group to die… painfully, so that everyone remaining can be forced to live under a Christian equivalent to Sharia law.

"I want everyone to succeed."
I want everyone who is a healthy, American, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age group to own slaves.

"We shouldn't raise taxes on anyone."
I want all people who aren't healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian men of a certain age group to be poor, starving, homeless, living in a toxic waste dump, without fire protection, health care, or education, only to die… painfully.

"Burdensome regulations"
I want total anarchy so I can steal from, torture, and kill everyone who isn't a healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age group.

"I'm not convinced that man-made global warming is a serious enough threat that can be effectively alleviated if we simply cripple the progress of human civilization with confiscation and redistribution of private earnings and totalitarian intrusion into private life."
I don't believe in proven, settled, scientific fact and I want everyone who isn't a healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age group to be poor, starving, homeless, living in a toxic waste dump, without fire protection, health care, or education, only to die… painfully.

"I'm not convinced that all of the biological diversity and symbiosis, beautiful nature, human capabilities, and vast universe we see are the result of nothing more than purposeless, undirected, random physical forces that emerged from nothing, caused by nothing."
I don't believe in proven, settled, scientific fact and will use a Ouija board to make my decisions.

"I don't believe federal tax dollars should fund art, especially art that is highly offensive to a large number of taxpayers."
I want to ban all art.

"school vouchers"
I want to funnel any money anyone spends on education to flat-Earth religious groups who want to kill anyone who isn't a healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age group.

"I believe marriage is between a man and a woman."
The day I get into office, we're going to literally roast all gays and lesbians over open fires, and then we're going to nullify any interracial marriages that have ever existed.

"All other things being equal, I believe a married man and woman should get preference in adoptions."
The day I get into office, we’re going to literally roast all gays and lesbians over open fires, and then we're going to nullify any interracial marriages that have ever existed. And THEN all single parents are going to be hanged.

"I'm not convinced homosexual behavior is healthy."
I'm gay and in the closet.

"I wouldn't want to receive anal sex from ten men in one session."
I'm gay and in the closet AND I want to literally roast all gays and lesbians over open fires.

"I don't think taxpayers should be paying for a woman's fifth late-term partial-birth abortion."
I want all women to be raped by their father, uncle, or brother until they experience a life-threatening pregnancy, and the I want them forced to raise the resulting children themselves, and then I want the women tortured and killed in a back alley.

"I support the death penalty."
I want all people who aren't healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian men of a certain age group to die… painfully.

"Foreign terrorists should be punished as enemies of the state, rather than treating them like domestic citizen criminals."
I'm Islamophobic and I want all people who aren't healthy American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian men of a certain age group to die… painfully.

"We have to defend our borders and have a good immigration policy and enforce that policy."
I want to round up everyone who isn't a healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian men of a certain age group and kill them, first in America and then everywhere else in the world.

"I'm against race-based quotas"
I want to round up everyone who isn't a healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian men of a certain age group and kill them.

"Activist judges"
Any judge who isn't a healthy, American, rich, white, heterosexual, Republican, Christian man of a certain age group.

Now some of my fellow Republicans will claim to sincerely believe that every human being has inherent worth and certain rights and that limiting government helps to protect those rights, but isn't it better to ignore any argument they might offer by calling them bigots?

At least one of my critics is bound to miss that this is a sarcastic post.